I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
