guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
