You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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