Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
