Cold hands, warm shart.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
