I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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