i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
