i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
