I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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