he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
