Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
