my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
