Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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