I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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