just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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