Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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