Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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