we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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