i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
do herpes really smell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
