We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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