At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
