McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Who died my cat blue again?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
