Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
