finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
