Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
