This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
