so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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