dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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