She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
