I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think I won the penis lottery.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
