i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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