I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
