its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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