our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
