party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
