Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
