Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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