i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
