i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
