dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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