some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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