Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
