I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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