Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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