Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
