I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
