I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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