We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
