My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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