I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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