How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
