The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
