he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
