Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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